Candice's Story - When You Go

Chapter 1

Benji sat alone in the living room of his small apartment. At 2 a.m., the sky was black; Aside from the stars and a sliver of moon in the sky, the only light in his apartment was the white glow coming from his television. His Tivo was on pause. He had been staring at the same image on his television for almost half an hour.

Confetti filled the television screen. There he was, his face still read and streaky with tears, hugging his friends on stage. Cat had announced him the winner of So You Think You Can Dance Season Two; caught up in the emotions of the moment, Benji had hugged anyone who had come in inches of him—even if they were aiming for another contestant.

The image on the screen upset him. There she was, trying to hug him. Benji had watched the finale episode until the credits ended; He had seen her try to get to him to congratulate him, eventually hugging his back—and then getting bumped out of the way by one of his friends from home. He had the paused the episode so that the shot of Donyelle’s expression of hurt was centre screen. Even though his friend (the one who bumped her), was standing in front of her and confetti was everywhere, Benji could still see the tears on her face. Unsure of if the tears were because she was happy for him or because she was sad, Benji’s insides ached with guilt.

On the night of the finale, before heading to the studio, the final four had sat down and talked. They all wanted one last time to wish each other luck and to let each other know how much they loved them. Heidi adamantly insisted she wasn’t going to win, but didn’t care; she had become a better dancer and gotten to be instructed by world-renowned choreographers, which was enough for her. Donyelle had agreed with Heidi; with her injury getting worse and having repeatedly bad comments from the judges, she felt she had no chance up against Benji and Travis. Travis and Benji had argued with the girls, telling both of them that they were amazing and talented and shouldn’t think such things about themselves. The conversation had been long and emotional. They were all sore and tired, so it didn’t take long before all four of them were in tears.
“You know, this is ridiculous,” Heidi spoke, wiping her face with a tissue. “We’re going to be on tour together for the next couple of months.”
“I know!” Donyelle managed to smile, sniffling. “For some reason though, it feels like the end of the world.”
“Maybe we’re sad about the show ending.” Travis guessed, pausing to blow his nose. “Maybe we’re sad because we feel we’re losing part of ourselves along with the show.”

Benji could recall Travis’s words from that day, clearer than ever. Was that why he ached inside? Did he lose a part of himself that night?

He turned off the TV. He couldn’t look at her anymore.

For the most part, Benji’s memories of his cast mates were good ones. He had gotten along with all of them amazingly well and formed what he believed were lasting friendships. A lot of the dancers ended up getting along best with their partners though, and Benji been no exception. Benji’s first rehearsal with Donyelle had been awkward: he had been uncomfortable with the choreography and Donyelle had gotten a little frustrated with him because of it. They actually had to sit down and talk, to get everything about each other in the open, before they could move on. Both he and Donyelle had agreed that if they were going to work well together as partners, it was essential that they be friends and to know as much about each other as possible; they believed it would help foster better chemistry for them and hopefully be visible to the judges and television viewers.

Benji would have been happy with a luke-warm friendship with Donyelle, but what he got was so much more. The conversation they had shared on that first day in rehearsals had changed Benji’s whole life. As he and Donyelle progressed through the competition, the friendship between them grew too. The judges and choreographers couldn’t seem to resist commenting on how well they partnered together. Shane gave them a standing ovation. Throngs of people began showing up at tapings holding signs for ‘Benjelle’, a nickname that had been created for their (apparently) paparazzi-worthy pairing. They completely avoided being in the bottom three couples on elimination nights. When Nigel had announced the separation of the couples, Benji had found it difficult to hide his disappointment. At that moment, Benji knew that something had shifted within him; he could tell that something had changed in the way he felt for Donyelle. He loved her. She, however, seemed to be oblivious.

Chapter 2

At that moment, Benji knew that something had shifted within him; he could tell that something had changed in the way he felt for Donyelle. He loved her. She, however, seemed to be oblivious.

Donyelle had a boyfriend. Of course she was oblivious. To Donyelle, Benji would always just be a friend. Every time he caught himself thinking about her or fantasizing on what a future with her might be like, he forced himself to remember that Donyelle loved someone else; her boyfriend was a struggling rapper named Tahir. Tahir came to a lot of the tapings, often coming back stage afterwards to talk with Donyelle before all of the dancers had to go back to the mansion. The first time Benji had met Tahir, he had thought Donyelle was lucky to have such a supportive boyfriend. She had told Benji in one of their chats that Tahir had been one of the few people who supported her when she decided to stop dancing; that he supported her decision even though he didn’t agree with it, because he loved her.

Once the competitors had been whittled down to the top ten, Benji started to feel the sting of jealousy when Tahir was around. Like any lovesick person, he began to wonder why Donyelle would choose to be with Tahir and not him. A couple of times, Benji caught himself being snippy and mean to Donyelle out of anger towards Tahir. That was when he knew something had to change; if it didn’t, there was no way he’d be able to stand being near her anymore. Plain and simple, whether or not Donyelle felt the same way, Benji was going to tell her about his feelings.

Chapter 3

Plain and simple, whether or not Donyelle felt the same way, Benji was going to tell her about his feelings.

Benji turned to look out the window of his apartment. His eyes were starting to sting from the strain of sitting in the dark.

Why do you do this to yourself? He thought, scanning the night sky for constellations. It’s over. Stop thinking about all of it…nothing is going to change. What’s done is done. You took your shot and you missed. He felt the muscles in his cheeks tick as he blinked furiously to stop the tears from falling. As the first one escaped his lashes, running along his nose, he gave up fighting. The memory of that awful afternoon came flooding back, sending his body heaving with sobs. Donyelle’s voice haunted his thoughts as he replayed their conversation in his mind.

“Hi Benji. You left a voicemail for me to come and talk to you?”

“Yeah.” He answered, standing up. He moved with her away from the side of the pool, where he had been sitting and thinking as he waited for her to get back to the mansion. The rest of the dancers were inside watching a movie and sleeping. It was only 1 in the afternoon, but the dancers were determined to take full advantage of their break from rehearsals and taping segments. Benji took Donyelle over to the patio set that was near the fence of the back-yard. He pulled out her chair for her, taking his own seat once she had gotten comfortable.

“Is something wrong?” Donyelle asked, her face in an expression of confusion and worry.

Benji met his eyes with hers.

“Yes,” He struggled to speak at an audible level. “There is.”

Donyelle responded by scooting her chair in closer to him, but didn’t speak.

“It’s nothing about dancing or the show, so don’t worry about that.” He cleared his throat. “The problem I’m having is with you.”

“With me?” Donyelle squeaked, taken aback. “Did I do something to hurt you?”

Benji could feel his chest tightening. Donyelle was such a good person. She was trying to find out what she did wrong so she could apologize and try to fix it. It hurt him to know that it wasn’t that kind of a problem.

“No, not directly.” He answered.

“Benji, you’re scaring me.” Donyelle’s voice got stronger and louder.

“I’m sorry, Donyelle. I’m not saying this properly.”

“No. You’re not.” She agreed, now physically agitated with him. She shifted her position in her chair, but still kept her eyes locked on his.

“I think I’m falling for you, Donyelle.” He explained, turning his CTB ring around on his finger, looking down at the ring instead of at Donyelle. “I know that you have a boyfriend, and that you love him. I know that you probably only see me as a friend, and that’s probably all I’ll ever be to you; but, I had to tell you that.” Benji wiped a tear away from his eye before it had a chance to fall.

“Benji…” Donyelle couldn’t speak.

“Donny, you don’t have to say anything. I just needed you to know that I love you. No matter what, I’ll always love you. You’re an amazing person. Being your friend—“

“Benji,” Donyelle stopped him, finding her voice. “Look at me.” She commanded.

Benji stopped twisting his ring, and slowly looked up at her. She’d gotten pale, and her eyes were glossy with tears.

“I’m flattered that you would say such nice things to me.” She said, reaching her hand across the table and grabbing his. She held it tightly. “Your friendship means the world to me, and I love you too.” She paused and took a deep breath. “But I don’t love you like the way you love me. I can’t.”

Benji felt his heart shatter. He had been preparing himself for this moment all day, but preparation didn’t make it hurt any less. He pulled his hand out from under hers.

“Please Benji,” She could hear her voice start to quiver as she started to cry. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

Benji’s eyebrows knitted themselves into a downward arch.
“Don’t say that Donyelle.” He snapped, annoyed by her comment. “I told you that you didn’t have to say anything.”

“Well what were you expecting me to do?” She shot back, all sadness disappearing from her voice. “Did you just want me to sit here and cry? Did you want me to lie to you and tell you that you’re the love of my life and that I’m going to dump Tahir for you and marry—“

“Just STOP!” Benji yelled.

Donyelle glared at him, but she stopped yelling.

“All I wanted to do was tell you that I love you. That’s ALL. I’m not stupid enough to think you would drop your life with Tahir to start one with me. Don’t placate me like that, Donyelle.” He snarled.

“I’m sorry.” She muttered, obviously still angry.
Benji didn’t answer.

“Are you going to talk to me anymore, or are you just going to ignore me?” Donyelle said as she pushed her chair back, getting ready to get up and leave.

“Do you think I’m that immature?”

Donyelle looked away from him, an obvious answer.

Benji stood and began to walk away. He only made it a few steps before he felt a heavy hand on his shoulder.

“What the hell are you doing?” Donyelle turned him around. “If anyone is going to walk away from this, it’s me.” She yelled. “But if you honestly think I am going to walk away from you now, you’re crazy.”

“What?” Benji was lost.

“Benji, no matter what, I will always be your friend.” She explained. “I might not be able to profess my love to you, but you better be damn sure that I will ALWAYS be there for you as a friend.” She finished, tears now running down her face.

Benji felt his lower lip start to quiver.

“You mean too much to me for me to just let you go completely. I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I did.” Donyelle struggled to speak, her emotions getting the best of her. “I love you a lot, Benji. You think you’re the only one who’s been having a hard time?” She wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand, a useless effort; More tears continued to flow. “I’m committed to Tahir right now. I DO love him. But who am I to predict the future? I have no idea if I’ll feel the same way in a month, four months, or a year.”

Benji bit his bottom lip to stop it from shaking.

“All I can give you right now is my love as a friend, Benji; but in the future, I…” She trailed off, struggling to breathe as she sobbed hard. She managed to suck in a couple breaths. “Do you know what I mean?” She looked at him with pleading eyes.

“Yeah, I understand.” His voice shook too. He walked over to her and hugged her. They both continued to cry. The two of them had stood like that for nearly ten minutes; Donyelle was first head to back into the house. Benji had stayed behind, wanting a couple minutes to himself before going back inside.

Chapter 4

They both continued to cry. The two of them had stood like that for nearly ten minutes; Donyelle was first head to back into the house. Benji had stayed behind, wanting a couple minutes to himself before going back inside.

All you are to Donyelle is a possibility. Benji blew his nose. A small pile of tissues had amassed on the couch beside him. You are the back-pocket boyfriend; the one she’ll turn to first if she and Tahir ever break up. He told himself. But don’t start getting your hopes up. That might never happen.

That awful, hard to re-live, conversation had happened the week Benji had danced with Heidi for the first time since their Las Vegas auditions. Remarkably, once they had yelled things out with each other, Benji and Donyelle’s attitudes towards each other went almost unchanged. He took Donyelle shopping, alone and with his sister Lacey and his mom; he introduced her to his parents, and she introduced him to her family. To the public, it must have seemed as though they were much more than friends.

Benji felt a small, weak smile stretch across his sob-sore face as he remembered pulling her name out of the hat during the last week of random-drawing for partners. He thought for sure that luck would abandon him and he’d pull Natalie again; so when he popped the card open and saw Donyelle’s name, he was over-the-moon ecstatic. The excited expression that appeared on her face when he revealed her name to Cat and the other dancers only made the moment more special. Donyelle had pulled Broadway and Hip-Hop out of the dance hat; both had been great styles for them in the past.

The first dance they had to learn was Broadway with Tyce—again. He had made the comment to the camera that it was the ‘Benji and Donyelle Show’. Benji hadn’t understood what Tyce meant at that moment. But, after speaking to some of the fans and other dancers on the show, he had grown to understand what Tyce had said.

“My favourite dancer on the show is Travis,” A girl had said to him during a commercial break “But I can’t not watch you and Donyelle when you’re dancing together. You just…match too well.”

“Lacey and I agree,” Heidi had said to him one night at dinner. “The partner work between you and Donny is almost as good as it is with us.” She had laughed. “Plus, there’s none of the awkwardness that comes from being a direct blood relative of your dance partner!”

Benji had been flattered by the comments people gave him regarding his dancing with Donyelle. Although, he couldn’t help but wonder if maybe dancing with Donyelle again would just make him feel the way he had before their poolside talk.

Learning Shane’s hip-hop choreography to ‘Hotline’ by Ciara was a fun way to end their dancing together. Donyelle was excited to get another chance to dance her specialty, and Benji was just thrilled to be able to relax and dance something fun.

The week had gone by fast, and before Benji knew it, he, Heidi, Travis and Donyelle were the last four dancers standing. The nerves of being a finalist hit Benji hard, and he began to doubt the quality of his past performances on the show. All he wanted to do was learn the last routines and get on stage to perform them. The sooner the show was over, the sooner he could relax and stop throwing up every hour. Heidi’s nervousness had manifested itself in constant perkiness and activity; she couldn’t slow down or sit still—even with her head throbbing as migraines hit her full force. Travis’s response was to talk to his family and friends, but otherwise he had been just as perky and active as Heidi. Donyelle had been quiet and calm; there was a reason Mia had given her the nickname ‘Quiet Fire’. Benji knew that she was keeping her real feelings about being a finalist to herself. Donyelle had never been the one to reveal her feelings publicly—it made her feel like she was monopolizing attention and being a drama queen. Benji was physically ill with nervousness—he was vomiting, felt like he had a fever all the time, and he was still struggling to get over strep-throat.

After the taping of the final performance show, Benji had expected he would relax a little more and settle down. Unfortunately, things didn’t change. Even though the final four dancers were spending as much time away from each other and the show as they possibly could until the show’s finale, they were all agitated and cranky. Donyelle went out with her family. Heidi had gotten a chance to have dinner with her parents. Travis and his mother had gone out for an evening of movies and junk food. Benji’s best friends from home got together with Benji’s parents and Lacey, and they all went out for an enormous dinner. By coincidence, Donyelle and her family were there too; so, they all ate one big meal together. Benji had loved that his friends and family were so happy and proud of him; the evening had been loaded with compliments and it made him feel good, and like he was doing the right thing with his life.

Benji shifted his position on the sofa. The sky was beginning to lighten; going from a dark navy blue to a star-dotted indigo. How long have I been sitting here? He thought to himself, as he picked up all his used tissues and threw them at his waste basket; two went in, while the others scattered nearby on the carpet. You’re such a sissy. He made fun of himself, getting up to put the littered tissues into the waste basket. Just let Lacey turn you into a Metro already and get it over with.

After getting rid of the tissues, Benji went back to the sofa, sitting in exactly the same spot he had been in before. He picked up the remote to the television and turned it on. Donyelle’s face appeared slowly as the TV warmed up. He still had his Tivo paused.

“This is yours to win.” Donyelle’s warm, loving voice echoed in his brain. “Go get it.” She had told that to him backstage before Cat revealed with winner. He remembered thinking how her words had reminded him of what Toni Redpath had said to him when she was instructing him in the proper way to dip Donyelle for their first Viennese Waltz.

He had never felt more like fainting than he did when Cat called him and Travis over to her on stage, the last results card clutched in her hand. His head felt like it was going to explode. Sounds weren’t registering clearly, and his eyes were bouncing all over the place. Lacey had waved at him, which had gotten his attention. She put her hand over her heart and nodded at him, smiling.

Benji had gotten a chance to talk to Lacey alone after they had their big dinner with their parents and Donyelle and her family. Benji went with his sister back to the hotel she and her parents were staying at; their parents were down in the having coffee with some friends, so Lacey and Benji were able to have a private chat.

“Lace, you have to promise me.” Benji whispered.

“I don’t understand, Benji. I thought that you and Donny—“

“Please Lacey; you have to do this for me.” Benji interrupted her.

Lacey looked into her brother’s eyes. He was sad, and she didn’t like it. She couldn’t see how doing what he was making her promise to do would change that, either.

“Why? Can’t you two just talk about this?”

“We already did. It was messy and hard, and it didn’t change anything.”

“How is this going to help, then?” Lacey protested.

“If I win, I won’t be able to handle it. You know me, I’ll start to bawl my eyes out, and hug everyone.” He explained, laughing a bit. “I am going to want to hug her. I know I will.” Any signs of happiness in Benji’s expression disappeared again. “I can’t face that temptation, because I know I’ll give in, and if I give in…”

Lacey nodded for him to continue.

“If I…”

Lacey heard her brother’s voice constrict; he was about to cry.

“Okay.” She stopped him. “I understand.” She grabbed her brother and hugged him. “I’ll do it for you.”

Benji picked up his remote again, rewinding to the spot where Cat announced him the show’s winner. He watched as the contestants started to swarm him to give him a hug. His friends clambered onto the stage, and one by one, just as he had told Lacey he wanted them to, they got in Donyelle’s way.

The credits rolled on, and Benji watched as Donyelle was bumped around the stage, never being let close enough to him to give him a hug. Lacey had kept her promise.

Benji turned off the Tivo, and then the television.

What have you done?

Chapter 5

Benji turned of the Tivo, and then the television.
What have you done?

Deciding that over-thinking his present situation would definitely not help it at all, Benji went to bed. His head melted into his pillow, and his body was only too happy to be immobile and relaxed on the firm, cozy bed. His eyes were heavy and ached—the kind of ache you get from crying too much. Benji felt his breathing get shallow and heavy. While the rest of his body seemed ready for sleep, his brain refused to give up its state of alertness. God, please let me sleep. He prayed. Please. Please, please, please. He paused, waiting for some kind of instant-coma to hit him. Am I being punished? His face pressed against the pillow, Benji emitted a muffled laugh. Of course you’re being punished, you moron.

Eventually, Benji did drift off to sleep. He woke up hearing the hum of his alarm clock, mixed with a chorus of birdcalls that were coming in through the open window.

The light from the morning hit Benji’s eyes like dozens of tiny knives. His eyes were still sore from crying/lack of sleep. He managed to get himself showered and into some clean clothes, and was just making his way into his kitchen when someone buzzed his apartment.

“Hey Gee. Can I come up?” Lacey’s voice was distorted in the microphone.

“Yeah, hold on.” Benji went over to his door and took off the deadbolt. He then buzzed his little sister up.

“I brought mini muffins.” She smiled, coming into his apartment carrying a Tupperware loaded with tiny muffins of assorted colors and flavors.

“Oooh, Breakfast!” Benji went over to the fridge and grabbed a carton of orange juice. Lacey took the muffins into the living room and sat on the couch. Carrying two plastic tumblers and the juice, Benji sat down beside his sister.

“You look…bad.” Lacey said, noticing Benji’s pale color and the bags under his eyes as he poured them each a glass of juice. “Late night?”

“To say the least.” Benji answered, taking a gulp of juice. He grimaced as he swallowed; The acid burned his already raw throat.

“Were you online or something? Checking out one of the many Tranji Shipper sites out there? A Benji Shrine, maybe?” Lacey guessed, popping the lid off of the mini-muffin container. Benji laughed.

“No, no, nothing like that.”

“Aww, jeez Benji. You weren’t watching episodes of the show again, were you?”

Benji didn’t answer.

“Benji! You have to let it go.” Lacey popped a lemon poppy seed mini muffin into her mouth.

Benji fought the urge to snap at his sister. She meant well though, so he ignored it.

“I know. I just keep wondering if I shouldn’t have asked you to get everyone to run interference for me.”

“I tried to talk you out of it.” Lacey reminded him, spitting muffin crumbs as she spoke.

“Yeah, you tried really hard.” Benji snapped, grabbing a muffin he couldn’t identify from the container.

“Oh, you are so not going to blame this on me.” Lacey growled, wiping her hands with a napkin. “You know I only did it because you asked me to. Well, that and so you wouldn’t cry.”

“Low blow.”

“And like what you just said to me wasn’t?” Lacey took a mouthful of orange juice, swallowing hard. “You just feel bad for what you did to Donyelle and you don’t want to admit that you were the one who screwed things up.”

“There wasn’t anything to screw up.” Benji muttered.

“So then why are you still so upset?” Lacey was exasperated. She’d had a couple fights like this with her brother since the show ended. He had yet to actually give a reason. “And don’t you dare lie to me.” She threatened.

Benji took a deep breath. “Because I might have killed the possibility for something in the future.”

Lacey took her brothers hand, opening it palm up. She put a muffin on the palm of his hand.

“Think of this as the future.” She said, gesturing towards the muffin. “You won’t know what kind of possibilities you have until you get things completely out in the open with Donyelle.” She said, breaking the muffin into two halves onto her brother’s hand. The muffin was revealed to be full of chocolate chips. “That’s when you’ll find out what the future has in store for you, and what your possibilities really are.” She smiled.

Benji stared at the muffin halves in his hand.

“You’ve been waiting to say that since you got here, haven’t you?” He laughed.

Lacey nodded. She picked up one of the halves and put it into her mouth. She chewed it twice and then smiled at her brother, gobs of partially chewed muffin in her teeth. This only made Benji laugh harder, and he immediately did the same thing. Lacey covered her mouth as she laughed, trying not to shoot muffin chunks all over the place.

Once they had calmed down, Lacey re-opened the conversation.

“You’re going to call her.” She said, swirling the last drops of her orange juice in the bottom of her mug.

“No, I’m not.” Benji responded, taking one last drink of juice. “I’m going to go see her.”

Chapter 6

Once they had calmed down, Lacey re-opened the conversation.
“You’re going to call her.” She said, swirling the last drops of her orange juice in the bottom of her mug.
“No, I’m not.” Benji responded, taking one last drink of juice. “I’m going to go see her.”

Benji sat in his new SUV, his hands gripping the wheel as though is life depended on him not letting go. Well, technically your life does depend on you not letting go. He laughed to himself, loosening his grip a little. Lacey had given him the rest of the muffins to snack on while he drove, and she had left them on the passenger’s seat beside him. She had suggested he bring Donyelle some flowers, but Benji was nervous that she wouldn’t accept them; he had no idea how she was going to react when he appeared at her door, especially with the way he had treated her.

Benji’s whole body flinched and he jerked the wheel of the car slightly as his cell phone began to ring the tune La Comparsita, a tango song that he had programmed to play when one particular person called.

“Heidi-ho!” Benji answered the phone. Travis’s greeting for Heidi had caught on like wildfire after he used it on the show, and everyone had been using it on Heidi since.

“Will that ever go away?” She answered.

“Probably not.” Benji chuckled. “What’s up?”

“Dmitry ditched me.” Heidi sighed.

“What?”

“As a partner for competitions. Dmitry ditched me. For Natalie.”

“What?”

“Are you deaf or just not listening?”

“What?”

Benji heard Heidi sigh with frustration. Apparently his joke wasn’t funny.

“Ok, I’m sorry. Dmitry ditched you for Natalie?”

“Yes.”

“Are you angry?”

Heidi paused. “A little.” She admitted. “But it’s not the worst thing in the world. I mean, at least I always have my favorite cousin to dance with.” Heidi said, her tone full of hope that Benji would agree to dance with her again.

“Lacey?”

“You’re not funny.” Heidi growled.

“Sorry.” Benji smiled. “You know I’d love to do the competitions with you again Heidi. I just don’t know if I’m going to be able to do them full-tilt this year, like we usually do.”

“That’s ok. I’ll borrow someone else for the ones you can’t dance in.” She agreed, happily. “So. Watcha doin’?”

“Driving to Donyelle’s.”

“Oh.” Benji could hear Heidi swallow something. “Why?”

“Are you drinking something? While you talk to me?”

“Yes.”

“That is so rude!”

“Oh, and you joking non-stop isn’t?”

“Point taken.”

Benji heard Heidi slurp whatever it was she was drinking.

“Anyway.” She said. “Why exactly are you going to visit Ms. Booty?”

Benji laughed.

“I’m just going to go see what’s up. I’ve been freaking out about our ‘relationship status’ lately. I don’t even know if she’s going to want to talk to me.” Benji admitted.

“I wouldn’t.”

“Thanks, I appreciate that.”

“Seriously Benji, I would not talk to you if you did something like that to me; it was just mean. Then again, I know that you intentionally did it to her. Donyelle might just think that those people body-checking her were being really rude. Add to that the fact that you haven’t even talked to her since the show, and I’m sure she’s going to be nice and angry at you.”

“Well, I was going to wait and have this conversation with her when the tour started.”

“Benji…that’s just lame.” Heidi laughed, slightly ashamed of her cousin.

“Lacey said that too.”

“I’m glad. You and Donyelle need to get your relationship sorted out, once and for all—without the drama of The Show hanging over your heads.”

“That’s the plan.” Benji agreed. Deciding to go see Donyelle before the tour had been one of his toughest decisions ever. But, it was like Heidi and Lacey had said to him, talking to Donyelle about their relationship (whatever their relationship was) with the tour going on around them would just be awkward and even more dramatic than their last big conversation had been. They needed to resolve things in ‘the real world’—not the world according to the Fox Broadcasting Corporation.

“How far are you from her place?” Heidi asked.

“About half an hour.” Benji answered, looking at the small numbers on the car-radio clock.

“Ok. Well, I’ll let you concentrate on the road now. Give me a call later if you need to talk.”

“I will. ‘Bye.”

“’Bye.” Heidi clicked her phone off, and so did Benji. He dropped his cell phone on the seat beside the muffins, and turned his attention to the road.

Donyelle’s apartment building was modest and smaller than most. As Benji got out of the car and headed to the front door, he felt his nerves start to kick in. Should he have phoned before he drove up? Should he have taken Lacey’s advice, and brought flowers? Should he bring the mini-muffins in with him? Benji did his best to ignore every thought in his head. He forced himself to keep moving, making his way to the panel of buzzers. He found the buzzer labeled “Donyelle and Rayne”, and pushed it.

“Hello?” The speaker crackled, but the voice was unmistakable.

“Hi Donyelle. It’s Benji.”

“Hi.” She got quiet. “What’s up?”

“I was just wondering if we could talk for awhile.” Benji said.

There was a pause on the other end of the speaker. Benji could hear muffled voices.

“Now really isn’t a good time, Benji. I have a couple people over.” She answered.

There was a lump the size of the moon in Benji’s throat. Just don’t cry. He told himself. Don’t cry now.

“Um, can I call you when I’m free?” Donyelle asked.

“Sure. Yeah, that’s fine.” Benji answered. He felt a little bit relieved, but the lump still stayed in his throat.

“Ok. I’ll call your cell. Bye.”

The speaker went dead. Benji left the building, making his way back to the SUV.

What are you going to do now? He thought, getting into the drivers seat. You don’t know anyone else here. Benji turned the ignition and pulled out onto the road again. He drove down random streets near Donyelle’s apartment building, finally coming across the parking-lot of a large strip mall. He parked, and got out of the car. Benji opened the door to the front-passengers side, grabbing the tin of mini muffins and his phone. He opened the glove compartment, revealing his insurance and owner’s manual, and a small DVD-wallet that he had stashed in the car from a road-trip he and Lacey had taken. He picked up the DVD wallet and closed the front passenger door. He opened one of the back-passenger doors, climbing in to the spacious back half of the SUV. Knowing that he would probably be waiting for Donyelle for a couple hours, Benji popped in a DVD and settled down with the muffins and a car-blanket to watch a movie.

It wasn’t long before Benji’s eyes started to get heavy, and he was lightly snoring. The movie played completely through, and had started looping through the main menu.

Beneath the blanket and wedged in between the seat, Benji’s phone rang.

Chapter 7

It wasn’t long before Benji’s eyes started to get heavy, and he was lightly snoring. The movie played completely through, and had started looping through the main menu.
Beneath the blanket and wedged in between the seat, Benji’s phone rang.

It was a beautiful summer morning in Aruba and Benji, Lacey, and their friend Herbert the Talking Polar Bear were lounging on Heidi’s yacht. Heidi had taken her jet ski out for a spin, so the three remaining guests were sun-bathing on the deck.

Lacey was wearing a ball gown and some large aviator sunglasses, and she had stretched out on a chaise-lounge. She sipped a tall, virgin, melon daiquiri with a neon-blue crazy straw.

Herbert was wearing a large sombrero decorated with a green silk scarf. His white fur glistened in the sun.

Benji was wearing a pair of brown parachute pants and a mustard-yellow dress-shirt.

“It’s a beautiful day, Schwimmers.” Herbert said, taking a sip from his own daiquiri.

“It really is.” Lacey agreed. “But do you know what would make this day even more beautiful?”

“What?” Benji asked.

“Music.” She smiled.

“Yes, I agree.” Benji sipped from his drink. “Herbert, you have a beautiful singing voice. Why don’t you serenade us with one of your favourite sea shanties?” He suggested.

“It would be my pleasure.” Herbert set his drink down on the deck. He cleared his throat, and then began to sing:

“I like big butts and I cannot lie.” He sang, his baritone voice peppy and full of life. “You other brother’s can’t deny,”

Benji looked over at his sister, who was grooving to the music and snapping her fingers. She was rolling her head from side to side like Stevie Wonder. Suddenly, there was a beeping sound that matched to Herbert’s voice.

“When a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get—“


Benji’s eyes flew open.

“Huh?” He croaked, lifting his head up off of the seat of his car. He could feel that there was a seam imprint from the seat across his face. Why am I sleeping in my car?

Benji looked around for the source of the beeping that had interrupted his dream. As he pulled his cell from between the seat, the melody of ‘Baby Got Back’ filled the car. He picked up the call.

“Herbert?” He spoke. He rolled his eyes at his mistake. “Excuse me. Hello?”

“Hi Benji, it’s Donyelle…who’s Herbert?”

“Oh, nothing. I was just sleeping, and your call woke me up.” Benji explained. Yes. This is what you want to be telling the woman you love. You were dreaming about someone named Herbert, and the noise that woke you up was the personalized ring tone you selected specially for her: ‘Baby Got Back’.

“Sorry for waking you up. I can call back.” Donyelle giggled.

“That’s ok. I’m awake now.”

“Good.” Donyelle laughed. “My guests are gone now, so you can come over if you want.”

“Sure, I’m on my way. Is there anything you need, that I could pick up on my way?”

“Nope, just bring yourself.” Donyelle answered.

“Ok. I’ll be there in a couple minutes.” Benji smiled to himself.

“Great. See you soon.” Donyelle hung up the phone.

Benji opened the back passenger door and swung his legs out of the door. He stepped out, and promptly fell on to the cement.

“Well, this is a great start.”



Benji hit the buzzer for Donyelle’s apartment. He had scraped his hands when he fell, and had Band-Aids covering up the worst of his injuries. He could feel the sting of his pants sticking to a scrape on his left knee. There was no blood showing through his pants, so he didn’t bother covering it with a Band-Aid.

“Come on up.” Donyelle’s voice said, as the unbearable shriek of the buzzer signaled it was ok for Benji to open the secure door. Benji made his way up one flight of stairs, and began wandering down the hall. He stopped short when one of the doors opened. Donyelle’s head poked out.

“Hey.” She smiled, coming out into the hallway completely. Donyelle had her hair pulled back with a bright turquoise scarf; She was wearing a pair of dark-blue jeans and a white t-shirt, her feet covered by a pair of fuzzy purple slippers.

Benji was stunned when Donyelle hugged him.

“So, what brings you to my neck of the woods?” She asked, leading him in to her apartment.

“I just wanted to see how things are with you.” Benji lied.

“You could have called me.” Donyelle smiled as Benji followed her into the living room.

“Yeah, but that’s not the same. I miss not seeing you all the time.”

“I know, it’s crazy, huh?” Donyelle sat down on her old black leather sofa. “I can’t believe how much I miss seeing everyone. I’m happy to be home for awhile before the tour, but I’m really psyched to be with all the other dancers again.” She grinned at Benji, who took a seat beside her.

“It’ll be a blast.” Benji agreed. Just get it over with. The longer you put this off, the less likely you are to do it…and you are NOT chickening out! He yelled at himself in his head. “Anyway, Donyelle, I also wanted to talk to you about..us.” He muttered quickly. He almost hoped she didn’t hear him say those words.

Donyelle nodded slightly.

“I thought so. You sounded really tense when you came by my apartment earlier.”

“Thank God.” Benji sighed, his body relaxing. “I was so worried about how to start this conversation, or if you’d even want to have it.”

“I don’t think it’s a question of want.” Donyelle answered. “We really need to have this conversation.” She smiled, and looked down, slightly embarrassed about what she was going to say next. “To be honest, I was going to wait until the tour to talk to you, though.”

“I was going to do that too, but Lacey convinced me—“

“You were talking to your sister about us?”

“Yeah.” Benji answered, worried. “Is that ok? I mean, she’s my sister. I tell her everything.”

“It’s fine Benji, don’t worry.” Donyelle laughed. She could tell that Benji was extremely on edge. “I actually spent a lot of time talking to Martha about this, too. She’s not my sister, but we’re close.”

Benji nodded. Martha was a great person; he knew that she would help Donyelle sort things out.

“Before we get into anything, I just want to apologize to you.” Benji looked into Donyelle’s eyes. Her mouth was up-turned in a half-smile. “I’m really sorry about the way I left things on the finale night.” He said.

“That’s ok Benji, you were really busy. Didn’t they get you in a limo to the airport right after the show?”

“Yeah, they did.” He confirmed. “But I could have said something to you on stage.”

“Not really. I couldn’t even get to you.” Donyelle laughed a little. She saw a quick flinch in Benji’s face, and his eyes glazed over. She felt her smile disappear.

“Did…you…?” She trailed off.

“Donyelle, I’m so sorry.” Benji managed to speak, his voice wavering. “I was so worried about what I would do if—“

Donyelle sighed in disbelief. She covered her eyes with her hands and faced the floor.

“That was on purpose?” She said, not looking up. “I thought you friends were just being rude.”

“Heidi said you might say that.” Benji said, hoping it would relieve a little bit of the tension that was accumulating between himself and Donyelle.

Donyelle’s head snapped up. She stared at him with eyes of pure fire. Tears had streaked down her face, and her jaw was clenched in anger.

“Was that supposed to be funny? I can’t believe you.” She snapped. “How could you do something like that to me?”

“I was so scared of what I might have done if you hugged me. I didn’t want something to happen that could have ended up hurting you.” Benji responded.

“Benji, I’m 27. I can take care of myself.” Donyelle yelled, getting up off of the couch. “I’ll also remind you that I was in a relationship at the finale. I would not have let anything happen between us that could have jeopardized that relationship.” She continued.

Benji was upset. He wanted to defend himself, but couldn’t help noticing something glaringly important in her last statement.

“Did you say you were in a relationship?” He asked, getting up off the couch.

“Yes. I did. I was in a relationship, but I’m not anymore. I broke up with Tahir.” Donyelle answered. “The trouble is, right now, I can’t really figure out why. He would never have done anything like what you did to me, Benji.” She pushed her way past him and stopped. He turned to face her. “I broke up with Tahir thinking that if I had a relationship with you, I would be happier. I thought I would be able to trust you and rely on you and feel safe knowing that you were always there for me no matter what.”

Benji felt a hot tear fall down his cheek.

“If you felt the same way about me, you wouldn’t have done something so hateful.” She yelled. She went over to the door and held it open for him. “I want you to leave.”

Benji could do nothing more, it seemed. This was it. He obediently went over to the entrance to the apartment. Instead of leaving however, he pushed to door closed, the doorknob sliding easily out of Donyelle’s grasp.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

Chapter 8

Benji could do nothing more, it seemed. This was it. He obediently went over to the entrance to the apartment. Instead of leaving however, he pushed to door closed, the doorknob sliding easily out of Donyelle’s grasp.
“I’m not going anywhere.”


“What?” Donyelle snapped.

“I said I’m not going anywhere.”

“This is my apartment, Benji. I want you to leave!” Donyelle yelled, making a grab for the doorknob. Benji blocked her.

“I said I’m not leaving.” Benji responded, raising his voice. “I came all of this way to talk to you, and I’m not leaving now. I refuse to leave until we have this talk.”

“You refuse?” Donyelle laughed. In all honestly, she was surprised by Benji’s take-charge attitude.

“I do.” Benji nodded.

“Fine then. Let’s have this conversation so I can get you out of here.” Donyelle grabbed Benji by the arm and pulled him back towards the couch. She pushed him back slightly, forcing his knees to bend so he would sit. She then sat beside him.

“Talk.” She commanded him.

“The reason I had my friends bump you around on stage was because I didn’t want to hug you. I was scared. You broke my heart when you told me you didn’t love me the way I love you; I knew that if I hugged you, I would only feel that way again. I was selfish, and I’m sorry for hurting you.” Benji explained, grabbing Donyelle’s hand and holding it in his. She pulled away at first, but ended up letting Benji take her hand. “You have to know that I’ve felt so guilty and horrible since that night. I know that you don’t love me like a boyfriend, but the thought of you not even loving me like a friend just destroyed me.” Benji admitted. “That’s the biggest reason why I came to see you. I have to know the way you feel, Donyelle.”

Donyelle didn’t speak. She sniffled, and Benji could see that her eyes were welling up again.

“How do you do that to me?” She smiled, blinking back tears. “How do you have the ability to make me hate you one minute, and then absolutely adore you the next?”

“My geeky charm?” Benji suggested, smiling. Donyelle laughed. Thank you, Lord! He praised silently. That was the first time all day that Donyelle had responded to something Benji had said the way he wanted her to.

“Probably.” She answered. She met her eyes with his, putting her free hand over Benji’s, which was still clutching her other hand.

“After the finale, I did a lot of thinking. Since the show ended, so much has happened to me. I’ve been getting job offers, having interviews, teaching at Extensions when I get a chance, visiting with my family and friends…it’s been a lot to handle. For awhile, I didn’t even want to think about us; it only made things more complicated for me.” Donyelle admitted.

“I totally understand.” Benji empathized.

“But, as time passed, I just got more and more concerned about the fact that I wasn’t thinking about the two of us and our situation. I actually started to worry that I was making a mistake by not thinking about us.” She explained. “Am I making sense?”

“Not really.”

“Sorry. Basically, I was freaked out by the fact that I didn’t want to think about us, and I was confused about whether or not I should be thinking about you and me.”

“Ok.” Benji nodded. He was still kind of confused.

“Anyway,” She took a deep breath. “That was when I called Martha.” Donyelle paused. “And Heidi.”

“Heidi?”

“Yeah.” Donyelle giggled.

“I was wondering why some of the stuff you’ve been saying to me sounded familiar.”

“She’s a sneaky one.” Donyelle smiled. “She helped me out a lot. There was a lot of stuff I was nervous to talk to you about; Heidi answered a lot of my questions.” She explained. “Are you mad?”

“No, that’s fine. I could have called Martha and done the same thing.” Benji answered.

“They were both amazing to me.” Donyelle continued. “Martha was the one who helped my figure out that I needed to break up with Tahir. I just wasn’t being fair to him anymore. Apparently Oprah calls it an ‘emotional affair’.” She laughed, air-quoting as she used the Oprah term. “Basically, I was too preoccupied by thinking of you that I completely neglected Tahir.”

“How did he take it?”

“He dealt with it a lot better than I thought he would. I tried to explain everything to him, and I think he got it. I think we’ll still be friends.”

“That’s good.” Benji smiled. The last thing he wanted was for Tahir to be angry with Donyelle.

They were both quiet. Benji knew they’d gotten to the awkward part.

“So. That leaves us…here.” Donyelle broke the silence.

“Do you still want me to leave?” Benji asked, gesturing towards the door.

“No, no. Stay.” Donyelle insisted. “You’ve managed to change my mind.”

“Good.”

They fell silent again. Benji’s hand was warm, still pressed between Donyelle’s hands.

“Donyelle, you know I still love you.” He smiled. “The next move is all yours.”

Seconds after the words escaped Benji’s mouth, Donyelle made her move. She used the fact that she was holding Benji’s hand to her advantage; pulling him close to her. There was absolutely no resistance from Benji as she moved her head in to meet his. Their lips centimeters apart, Donyelle paused. Benji inhaled sharply, an involuntary reaction to someone being so close to him. Donyelle took one look at him, and shut her eyes. She closed the distance between their lips, a chill washing over her has he kissed her back.

Moments later, Donyelle still holding his hand in hers, Benji pulled away.

“Nice move.”

Chapter 9

Donyelle took one look at him, and shut her eyes. She closed the distance between their lips, a chill washing over her has he kissed her back.
Moments later, Donyelle still holding his hand in hers, Benji pulled away.
“Nice move.”


The pair sat quietly on the sofa, Donyelle in Benji’s arms, for what seemed like hours.

“So this is what you want?” Benji asked, looking down at Donyelle. She was resting her head on his shoulder.

“Yes, Benji. This is what I want.” She answered, without looking up at him.

Benji smiled. He had never felt more a peace in his whole life.

“Mini muffin?” He offered Donyelle, picking up the tin and holding it in front of her.

“Sure.” Donyelle reached out and plucked a double-chocolate muffin from the tin. Benji watched as Donyelle didn’t hesitate to put the whole thing in her mouth.

“Wow. You really are my perfect woman.” He laughed. Donyelle grinned, fighting to keep her full mouth closed.

“Aw, Donny. You know that’s not the way you do it.” Benji smiled, picking a muffin randomly from the tin and shoving it in his mouth. He chewed and gave Donyelle a huge smile. Donyelle laughed out loud, sending chunks of muffin flying onto the floor.

Benji grimaced in a look of mock disgust. Donyelle raised an eyebrow mischievously. She picked up a mini muffin, and leaned in to him, leading him to think she was going to kiss him. Instead, she slammed the muffin straight into his forehead.

“Did I deserve that?” He asked her as he swallowed. Muffin bits rained onto his lap.

“You tell me.” She answered, giggling. She watched as Benji picked up a mini muffin. He looked at her, obviously considering where to hit her with it. Before he could make up his mind, Donyelle bolted out of the sofa and made a beeline down the hall of her apartment. Benji ran after her.

There was a small thud as the muffin hit Donyelle square in the back of the head.

“Ow! That one had raisins in it!”


Alone in his apartment once again, Benji lay awake in bed. The moon made his bedroom glow. The white-light was reflected off of the silver frame of the photo he was staring at on his bedside table. Even in the dark, Donyelle’s eyes were still bright and captivating. Her smile was wide and honest. Benji could see the love she had for the world in her face.

Benji felt tears fall as he let his eyes close and succumb to the sleep his body craved. For once, Benji was not crying because he was sad about his relationship with Donyelle. For once, he was happy.

~ Moose ~