benji blogith

I really like this blog. :P



human part 2. "change a growth"
Current mood: being me

this is probably my most important blog ive ever written...also its the most important anythingive ever written for that matter....be patient!


my theme to life right now is best described by a new song from a friend of mine.
it's call run to you...and no its not the whitney houstin one ;P



turn look, look out and see
do you see me?
cause i think i see you
i have been some other place
the wind that i chase it all
just leads back to you

or how i'm still, so still..
its so far and
still i've ran
i knew you
when i was young
but where am i now?
that i am a man

run to you
i will run i will run
i will move right on through
all these things that i have done
and you'll take me back
i dont know why
i wanna say i'll never do it again
but i cant, but i will try
[Run To You lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]


turn look look out and see
do you see me?
cause i see think i see you
i have been some other place
the wind that i chase it all it just leads back to you
oh how i miss, what you miss
but i will fall time and again
and i will say that im true to you
but i'm a cheat
i don't understand

so i'll run to you
i will run i will run
i will move right on through
all these things that i have done
and you'll take me back
i don't know why
i wanna say i'll never do it again
but i can't
i wanna i'll never do it again
but i can't
but i will try



"wow benji...you look different"
"im very disappointed in you" "you're changing"
"we used to really love you"
"hollywood, and the world have gotten to you"
"bring back the old benji"
"it's sad to see you're giving in"



.....try hearing that about 200 times a day, and you'd want to respond and or defend yourself. hehehe

what's funny is that now, I don't feel angry towards these comments. and for sure wont feel bad at all if people are concerned for my wellbeing both spiritually and mentally..not to mention emotionally. It has nearly been one year since I made it to the top ten(congrats all season 3ers btw) and if you look at me there...I had shorter, dark reddish hair and i was clean shaven. now, im the same weight, 1 inch taller and my voice is a tad deeper(i dont know how that happened), my hair is lighter, a lil' longer, and sometimes i wear glasses. I even sport at times some earings that are fake.
first the hair,
when i was on the show i never tried to deviate from what i looked like form the top 20's first show till the voting was over, hense black hair on the finale. normally b4 the show, i died my hair every imaginary way in every imaginary color. i always wanted people to rememeber me on the show so i never drastically changed my look. on tour i died my hair a record 32 times...it got so "chemically enriched" hehe I decided to shave it off. grew it out, and am currently brown/dirtyblonde mixed...kinda normal for me but fun. i've decided im gonna have something completely opposite of me when I film my first movie in august.
Also, if anyone could see how bad my face breaks out in hives when i shave, you wouldnt want to do that much too...infact i have a special buzzer that doesnt get too deep near my skin, which is why i am seldom fresh faced as many would say.
the diamond earings, are in fact fake. ive been trying to develope my character a bit.
I play a more pompass and ignorant, yet pretty boy/wold spirited version of myself...who i wouldn't ever want to be like, which gives me even more reason to not look like me since he also is a dancer...i dont want people confusing themselvs that I'm just playing myself in this movie...no matter what.
It's hard sometimes...

I deeply feel the need to be a good example...espepcially to male dancers, and members of my Faith. Those that know me for me truly could see me in drag and know who i was and wouldn't care....I understand that I should avoid the pressence of evil, so that i should be the upright example that many out me out to be.

I for one know that there is only one true example that one should follow...and that's my Savior, Jesus Christ. I know He lives, and that He died for me and for all of us. Whether you're Mormon or Catholic or Buddist, or Born Again(which is what im playing in the movie, but not necessarily the ideal good christian guy), or even athiest...it's what I believe and know to be true thru years of prayer, study, and especially from answers I've recieved from above.

I feel so bad sometimes when others accuse me of not being a good example. It's funny, because in a spiritual sense, I may not look like it, but I feel that I have had a new spiritual seed planted in me that took sometime to grow...especially after last years tour, I felt like I needed to step up a lot spiritually. I don't think I'll ever be the man i once was out in my misison that i served for my church in Oaxaca. It may be mostly for the fact that I spent every waking hour of the day, reading the scriptures for hours at end(not like the 15 minutes I normally do a day now that my schedual is so hectic...if that sometimes it's just reflecting off a verse! or that I was in the Lord's army if you will, all day long working for Him and His kingdom. I spend my day mostly focused on my art/passion/craft/work most of the time..just as all adults do...even the best ones.
I'm not married, I don't have kids, it's knowone's business who I'm dating if I am at all...so there are times when I share part of my busy self as well to a significant other.
I understand that no matter what I say, will never take away the fact that people look up to me...I guess there are worse people to look up to. I'm no saint, but I can sincerly say (judge me if you want) that I am a good person. I fear dissappointing God, my parents, my friends and loved ones and even myself. It's sad when I know personally I'm doing good and yet because of something aesthetically, I am judged or snared at, without someone asking if I okay, or if I needed help...they just immediatly jump on me and say they're disappointed. Seems kinda weird because if they really cared, wouldn't they want to offer a hand seeing that they assumed I'm going down a wrong path? I think that's a great point.
If my future son was to get a tattoo...would i yell at him an tell him were getting it removed first or would i, truly loving him would ask him if he's okay? if there's some problem going on in his life? I would hope that I would be the second guy. Those that judge me like the first seem to be the ones that claim to be the closest to God.

I was at church today sitting next to Bear (yes, I am very active in my faith). I kept my fake earings on...it was amazing to see how everybody was just happy to see me there and ask how I was (due in part because I nomrally attend other church meetings in various parts of the world...not the one my house is located near to) as opposed to saying something about two lil fake cubic zarconias by my lobes. it was awesome in fact. I was reading my scripture while we were taking the sacrament(other denominations call it communion) and I was reading in the New testament, Luke 22 to be precise. I normally read the second page of that chapter because of the two biggest messages it teaches. Especially the one about the great sacrifice Jesus was making for us...choosing "God's will and not His own"...not wanting to suffer.

The other story is what intrigued me today. The story/lesson that Jesus said to Peter and the rest of the disciples...he who is the greatest, shall serve unto everyone else. Those with great power come great responsability. I am aware of that. Unfortuanley I am not even close to being perfect...I don't even feel good at times to say I am a man of God. I know i can be doing more. I know I can look better. I know I can reflect what's inside of me more on to the outside. But one breakthrough personally that I have had is the fact that atleast I can honestly say now...in this moment, maybe not in the past but not yes, I am more beautiful in the inside than what is refected on the out. (hense the current profile pic entitled don't judge me). if you notice there were a few negative remarks..."im dissappointed"...well Im sorry. I truly am. I am not the kind of person to usully say that. But i will try harder everyone and make me reflect how i feel inside more on the out. Although I could be covered up in tattoos with steel gages in me with even different colors in my long spiked hair...I might just be the better man than someone who dresses like a humble preacher but is a hypocrit: quick to judge but not cast the junk from his eye first, nor wanting to help just critisize.

There was one email i got today about a concerned father. He wrote me and asked me if i could clear up my actions that seemed to be so "not the benji I voted for".
He wrote the letter very concerned for both me, his family and the faith we both share. He was nice and didnt pass any judgment, and even told me he had no right to do so. He just asked me if i could clarify. I did to the best of my abilities...expressing how really all people are seeing are aesthetics...nothin real and eternal from me...it's sad so many are so pretentious and materialistic. I show 5 inches above my knee wearing american flag swim trunks, and yet the olympic diver can prance around a lot less and nothing is said. I can be scolded for sporting earings in my pics, yet the people who said that had vulgar music playing on their myspace. I can gyrate to fast music and people think Im being gross...yet I haven't seen a rated "R" movie since i was 17 because I made a promise to God i wouldn't, because i wanted to be better.

I know live in a world where I am viewed as an outsider. I live in a world where I see a constant rated "R" movie being played...yet I can honestly say that I have still kept my faith, my dedication to prayer, my scipture study however small it may be, my desire to serve myfellow man now thru d.e.m.a.n.d., my desire to one day have a family by saving my earnings, living thriftly, investing in real estate. I still love my family...I have given up many jobs to be there in the audience every monday and thursday rooting for my sister. It gives me great satisfaction that i am there just as seh was with me. My parents i rarely see as well so its awesome to go out and eat twice a week with them...something that I would never get to do normally. I still develope my talents...someone said I look fried out and drugged up, maybe even drunk on sytycd when I choreographed for the west coast swing...maybe it was because I hadn't slept in three days and was jetlagged from doing shows with heidi in china? or that I train myself as well before i start teaching, I also assist tyce diorio along with donyelle in contemporary at times, plus teach group classes, plus choreography studio numbers, plus audtition, plus attend church no matter where Im at even if it meant gving up a 6,000 dollar paying show.
I have never tasted alcohol. Nor have i smoked, or tried any illegal drugs...and I never will Heaven forbid. I don't desire to. I like the fact that I'm as healthy as i can possibly be. There's a great satisfaction in knowing I'm trying to take care of my temple....I may not beperfect at that yet but Im still getting used to the new life I have been given since winning the show. I could easily take this myspace off. I could save myself from the embarrassing judgements and scolds, but i dont.
Ill probably keep taking them.
I am human
My name is benji.
I am sorry if I am not what you think i am.
The only difference between me one year ago and me now is the fact that I pray will full intention now...not to win a competition, but to survive this life...be in the world but not of it. Instead of training for a number I'm performing in hopes to win a prize, Im training to be the most knowledgable i can in Mulitple fields of dance and art. I take that seriously. Also I work a lot on perfecting others and helping them reach their dreams. Instead of living in an apartment provided by fox in a plush part of cali...I moved back into my old apartment, choosing to save my money, rather than pretend that i will be famous for the rest of my life and save so I can live like it later when the attention more than likely will fade away.
I read philosophy mags and photography one now to understand my head and emotions of others to be a better friend, boyfriend, teacher, artist, visionary instead of playing video games to ease the stress off of fierce competition.(althought they are fun to play at times still to this day).

That's just a little insight to me.
Im not saying im perfect but Im trying to be better...there is a list of many things i need to change. UNFORTUNATLEY my hair color and or earings and or a tattoo or weird clothes of sad looks or glasses or time online to comment someone back AREN'T
the most needful changed I know i need to make in mylife. If you have a car with a few dents in it...but the transmission is blown....would you rush to get it a paint job first?

Let that be food for thought...speaking of which I am really hungry right now...its 2:40 am and Im tired...
if you finished reading this then...WOW to you. I hope I didn't offend anyone for what I said, or for any of my actions. I don't apologize for my faith in od and will not deny Him...if you have a problem with that then you probably would've stopped reading this by now anyways. Know that I'm a work in progress and try and see me as I try and see others, though i dont do it nearly as much....to see me as my Creator sees me. Love one another. Help ourselves out. God Bless You All...

all my love,
Benjiman Daniel Schwimmer
born jan 18 1984
parents:
Laurie Ann Schwimmer (now Kauffman)
Harry "Buddy" Daniel Schwimmer
I was sunnyside up right before I took my first breath.
My mom and dad had to dance me around inside of her with their hands, twisting me in all ways to get me to come out proporly...
I had an E.T. head and a weird smirk in my baby picture. they said I looked like a little man...hense they named me BenjiMAN not Benjamin.
I was born in Newport Beach ca.
Raised there till I was 5.
Around that time my childhood enemy 14 years later turned out to be my best friend was born June 28th 1988...her name is Lacey Mae Schwimmer. She's the person I think I love more than anyone on this earth. Tears come out of my eyes thinking about all we've been thru together and the amazing experiences we've shared and how much love is possible to give and feel from another HUMAN being.
I started dancing swing a little here a little there at age 3 with another special someone by the name of Heidi. We have danced together for over 20 years now. We have accomplished more as a dance couple than most...ever. Which is in large part due to my beautiful parents, Laurie and Buddy. They have always been there for me. IN my lowest and highest times. They never styfled my creativity. they reared me to be a man of God.
I was made fun of at school horribly. Some stories i never even told my parents about of how vile and mean people were to me at school from ages 10-15 because I am not affriad to be unique. The're hatred towards me inspired me to reach my goals.
By 16 i finished all my high schooling to pursure dancing fulltime.
By 17 i won my first Adult pro US Title in West Coast Swing (www.benjiandheidi.com)
From ages 17 to 23 (excluding a 24 month semi retirement) I wouldn't lose a single competition in all major divisions, including one that was in search for america's favorite dancer.
I served an honrable mission for my church in 2003-2005 in oaxaca mexico. many dancers helped me raise enough money so i wouldn't have to bum much off my folks.
After returning from the best two years of my life, I decided to return the favor and start a charity in which I became indebt from buying the appropriate right to, and called it D.E.M.A.N.D. (www.benjischwimmer.org/demand)
A year later I won a new car, a contract i never took (see older blogs) and 100,000 dollars cash(of which a tenth was tithed and Uncle Sam took a hefty amount as well).
10 days later I co headlined a tour with 9 of some of the coolest people and extremely talented individuals who i have grown to love very much on a tour which as to date has been the fastest selling tour in us history in the second half of this decade.
I know choreograph for tv, movie, and groups/couples in both swing, jazz, contemporary, swazz jazz funk, etc. I act, I shoot photography professionally on the side, perform in all parts of the world, teach everywhere, continue my charity services now expanding globally. I sell my own line of instructional dance dvds. I have one of the most popular blogs on myspace...
and here i am...
sitting down in a dark room
writing all of you
chill
feeling expecially after writing the outline to my life realizing that whether I am accepted by anyone or not...I feel so blessed. I love my God and my Savior. I love my family, and I actually love my enemies...I have learned a lot of lessons from them. I need the fire against me so that i can make my ruff edges like unto a sword.
I am not hungry anymore...quite possibly that was going to be an emotional eating binge(one that seldom happens since I forget to eat all the time), that has now been satisfied. Thanks to you all. Remember I'm human..Im trying...Im getting better. I am growing in a positive direction.

Feet don't fail me now!!!

truly yous,

benji



-Taylor :P